


Softly say my name, I'm just feeling so broken

by AikaKyomi



Category: Fire Emblem Series, Fire Emblem: If | Fire Emblem: Fates
Genre: Angst, Depression, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Fluff, Lots of Descriptions, Nothing explicit in the fic tho, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Reader is different than Corrin, ambiguous consent, off-screen sex, usage of alcohol
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-25
Updated: 2019-05-25
Packaged: 2020-03-17 07:53:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,216
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18961024
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AikaKyomi/pseuds/AikaKyomi
Summary: She leisurely opened up her eyes, the slim rays of sunshine crossing through the gaps of the curtains ultimately forcing her to lift up her eyelids. She groaned, inhaling a long breath as her head felt like it was hammered by a troop of wild horses. Her whole body seemed so heavy, unable to move, and the intensity of her heartache was almost on the verge of making her throw up. Forcing herself to breathe slowly, she was able to push all of her remaining strength in her arms, thus thrusting her upper body upwards. She blinked a few times to get accustomed to the lighting, until she suddenly froze, her feet now just hovering over the ground.This was not her bed. This was not her room at all.





	Softly say my name, I'm just feeling so broken

**Author's Note:**

> This is the result of a six-month work (four of which I added like, five words to the thing per month) that literally never stopped invading my brain when I tried writing anything else. I've been so far with this fic and I was stuck with writer's block so close to the end but here we are, with the finished product. I'm not very proud of the ending though and will surely revisit it eventually but hey, at least it's fucking done now. 
> 
> Shoutout to my best friend, who actually pushed me during all this time for me to finish this story, and without whom it probably would never have ended up being published. Kudos to you, dear bestie, enjoy the read.
> 
> Warning off-screen sexual relationships with ambiguous consent. No details are given (I'm too weak to write smut), but I still want to put that warning up there in case it may be upsetting to anyone. 
> 
> Also despite my tags, Reader isn't Corrin. The reader is referred to in the third person through the whole story and doesn't have any given name. It's you, after all.
> 
> Enjoy the story, and feedback is always appreciated! Even if it's a string of emojis, I'll gladly take it! 
> 
> (Title is taken from the lyrics to Rachie's cover of "Otome Dissection". I know, I'm a huge fucking weeb, but it really fitted the story)

Picking up the few last plates with her right hand, she counted them rapidly with her eyes before reaching to an half-empty glass of wine thanks to her remaining arm. The young girl, dressed in the very traditional garb of a maid, nodded quietly to herself before retracing her steps back to the kitchen, a small journey that yet, she knew so well.

The candles were dimly lighting up the room, devoid of any human activity for a while now. The royal family had left the dining hall at least an hour ago, and most of the other maids took this occasion to slip away, leaving the girl all alone with the task of tidying everything. And even with the sun barely shining at all in the kingdom of Nohr, the slow coming of the night made the room look even darker. A brief gaze around the counters made her realize that a few candles had been blown away as well, their shape being devoid of flame.

She rapidly looked away from the fire, spinning her head as she softly dropped the plates on a pile of several others, unable to prevent a soft sigh from escaping her lips. She was about to lay the glass in her hand next to the others, although her eyes noticed the presence of the scarlet liquid twirling in the goblet, and she was not able to look away. She'd been told so many times that alcohol would be able to make her forget, to allow her mind to drift away from her worries. She was curious to try and yet not brave enough to do it. Despite wishing on several occasions that she could leave most pieces of her memory behind, she was way too self-conscious to take a step. Under its influence, she could say so many compromising things, or do stuff that she wouldn't be able to face afterward. The thought scared her deeply.

And yet, the liquid in front of her seemed so hypnotizing, silently promising her a mean of escape; a way out of the chains that her memories consisted. Even temporary, the shortest relief would be synonymous to a promised freedom. Avoiding the second thoughts, she brought up the glass to her lips...

"Still up at this hour?"

The newcomer's voice made her shriek in fear, and the sudden jump of her terrified body made her hands tremble, soon followed by the sound of shattering glass against the ceramic floor. Covering her mouth with her hands, her head filled with the dread of culpability, she took a few seconds before turning around, meeting a dark-eyed gaze she immediatly recognized. The white-haired retainer proceeded to flash up a smirk, followed by a soft chuckle.

"Sorry to have startled you, princess," he affirmed, and even through the smirk, his apology seemed sincere.  
The young maid couldn't help but exhale sharply. "Niles," she spoke, her breath slowing down after recognizing the familiar shape. "Of course it had to be you. Also, can you stop with the princess thing? It makes me uncomfortable. You're going to confuse the actual princesses of this castle."  
"You make it look like I forgot about the other three thousand times you've told me."

She sighed, although unable to make the small smile emerging on her lips go away. Despite the dreadful existence she was leading in a castle devoid of light, with few ever addressing her more than an order, she'd been talking a lot to Niles. At least, he did most of the talking since she had trouble placing a word in any conversation ever even though they had known each other for a while. And yet, she was enjoying his company a lot. Throughout his rough personality and most of his inappropriate jokes, he showed her kindness that few had yet to offer.

Her eyes shifted back to the floor in front of her, where the spilled liquid drowned the shattered glass and reached her feet, circling around them slowly. She stepped softly to the left, trying to avoid the wine to scatter around the rest of the floor, before crouching down, her hands reaching down to pick up the pieces.

"My, my, what a mess." Niles' voice resonated once more in her ears. "Be careful now, you could cut yourself with those."  
She barely brought up her gaze this time. "This isn't the first time I have to pick up shattered glass, Niles. I'll be fine."  
"At least let me help."

The girl didn't say a word, and in fact only realized he was serious once he sat down in front of her, carefully avoiding stepping in any of the spilled wine at her feet. She frowned, actually surprised he would actually volunteer himself to do such a trivial task when he probably had a ton of other things to do. He fought for Lord Leo, after all; picking up shards on a kitchen floor was as secondary as it could get.

She nodded softly. "You know, you don't have to do this." she declared, her voice reduced to the verge of a whisper.  
His chuckle echoed against the kitchen walls. "And let you take care of this alone? Please, I'm not _that_ heartless."  
As she looked up at him, their eyes met for a split second and she rapidly looked away, feeling the heat of her cheeks rising up. "Thank you," she mumbled under her breath.

After throwing all the shards away in the trash, she swept up the floor of the liquid the fastest she could so she'd be able to get back on finishing to tidy up the dishes. Her eyes briefly checked out the counter filled with porcelain plates and glasses, making her even more discouraged than she already was. She really regretted the loss of the wine now.

Softly immerging the few first plates in the bucket of the water next to her on the kitchen counter, she was waiting for Niles to say something, as such an amount of empty silence was immensely rare with him. And of course, he did not disappoint.

"That is a lot of dishes..." she heard Niles mention, the sound of his feet against the still wet floor being almost louder than his voice.  
The girl couldn't help but snort at his comment. "I'm perfectly aware."  
"Where is everyone else? Don't tell me you have to take care of all this alone..."  
"I'm used to it." the girl nodded to herself, putting away the washed-up plates so they could dry. "It doesn't bother me."

She found the courage in herself to turn her head briefly, noticing him leaning against the kitchen wall, his signature smirk always shadowing his lips despite the conversation's subject. "What about you, Niles? Why are you here?"  
"I mean," he shrugged. "It's too early for sleep and too late for socializing. I figured you'd be around here somewhere."  
She had to stop her movements for a small while, somewhat taken aback. "Wait, why me?"  
"Questions, questions... Do I need to provide an excuse to see your pretty face now?"

Stumbling within her own words, she could barely formulate an answer. She was aware that Niles had the uncomfortable tendency to flirt with pretty much anything that moved (girls and guys included), and yet it didn't make any of his remarks less surprising than the last. She never knew how to reply properly to those, because she simply couldn't know if he meant it or not. Also, taking compliments from others had never been her strong suit.

"I-I mean, huh..."  
"My, you seem so flustered now." he laughed softly, and she couldn't really make out if it loosened the atmosphere or made her even more anxious than before.  
Trying to brush away the events from her mind, she took yet another plate into her hand while keeping her gaze down, avoiding any eye contact. "I still have a lot of work to do..." she muttered. "Sorry."  
"Sure, gotcha." she heard the sound of his feet taking a few steps forward. "If you want me gone, I'll go take a nap."  
"It's not-"  
"Hey, no hard feelings. I was about to go anyway."

She finally dropped her current task, turning her whole body in his direction. His usual mischevious gaze prevented her from distinguishing if he was telling the truth or not, and she was not about to ask him anything else further down that lane.

"See you around, princess." he waved to her as she frowned.  
"I told you to-"  
"Stop, yeah I know. Not gonna do it." Already taking a step towards the door, he stopped briefly to throw her a smirk one more time. "Good night."

She couldn't even start to think of a protest that he was already out of the room, and everything was back to normal. The kitchen was as empty as it was an hour ago, and it would probably be the same for the upcoming one, she thought as her eyes gazed at the pile of dishes.

A loud sigh escaped her lips as she realized she was once again left all alone to her deadly thoughts through a suffocating silence.

☀☀☀☀☀

The agonizing heat burned her skin away. The screams of pain and agony filled her ears, echoing loudly at the back of her brain. She could merely look as her childhood home was eaten away by the flames while she simply stood there, her knees bathing in the mud with tears filling her cheeks. Her cries of distress were drowned away into the aching cacophony of horses' hooves mercilessly crushing the village's paths and shoutings of their soldiers, angrily throwing torches at houses and dragging away their owners. The fire was dancing through her blurry eyes, haunting her thoughts as if it tried to possess her.

The air was tinted with a cloud of dark smoke, blocking the sky away from her gaze. It started twirling around her, filling her lungs until she collapsed in a distraught pain on the ground, the dirt recovering her body. She curled up into a ball, coughing and crying at the same time, as the screams in her mind echoed even louder. Were they even real anymore? It was not something she could tell apart.

A hand grabbed her by the hair, pulling her up like a doll dirtied by the years. She saw the mouths of the soldiers moving, she felt every single one of their blows on her weakened body, but was somehow unable to care. She couldn't hear a single thing coming out of them: perhaps that was some of the things her mind washed away with the years.

She started feeling the bruises, the cuts, the burns, over and over again as if the pain would never stop. Her skin was damaged, crackled, ablaze, and her sanity was starting to feel oddly similar. She started screaming again, but this time it echoed back to her and her only.

And the flames were still dancing at the back of her eyes.

☀☀☀☀☀

She woke up in a dash, her lungs letting out a scream of terror as she felt her whole body trembling, covered in sweat. Her hands were shaking before her eyes, and as she forced herself to inhale a few long breaths, the tears started to blur her eyes. She felt their warmth against her face, and yet it never felt so cold.

She was used to the haunting memories, to the pain it filled her heart with, but the occasional nightmares that drowned her sleeping mind were nothing if accentuating it all. The ache felt acute, like it was new and once again piercing her heart. As she cried once again in the terrifying silence of the kitchen where she fell asleep on the frozen floor, she thought about her empty void of a life. Those thoughts were all scrambled by the agony that was slowly engulfing her, but she was still able to form them.

She wanted to forget. The memories, the pain, the truth of her existence. The bad and the worst, everything that life had put in her way had been nothing but misery and strain. She wanted it out of her. Gone, even for the shortest time.

Barely able to see a thing in the infinite darkness surrounding her, none of the candles illuminated her path as she put a hand forward against the floor, trying to find a way up. And yet she could only shriek in pain as something cut away the skin of her palm, the odd warmth of her own blood filling her hand.

Even through the night, she was able to recognize the sensation: glass. She had broken a goblet of wine earlier during the evening, and probably forgot to pick up all the pieces, she thought. Then it all came back to her: the wine. She tried to taste it, but was promptly interrupted. The promise of making all of her thoughts disappear was yet so enchanting.

She was now even more unstable than usual, and as her eyes, now accustomed to the surrounding obscurity, made out the shape of a rather large cabinet containing many alcohol bottles, she knew hesitation or fear held no argument to her this time. It felt so heavy, as if her body was trapped in a hole without the right to see light ever again. Rationality had been completely taken over: if there was a way out, as small as it may be, she was going to grab it before melting away.

☀☀☀☀☀

Niles didn't quite know why his feet brought him back to the dining hall at such an hour. Perhaps he had taken a glass too much back at the tavern, or perhaps the thought of the young maid washing the dishes all alone in the darkness of the night made him feel bad for leaving her back then. He knew this was the alcohol talking through him, but he hated feeling like this: watching his own self actually caring about others. He had gone through so much suffering in his life because of people, and had since promised himself to stay away from anything that involved getting too close to a person. He liked teasing others, exploiting their flaws and even had somewhat of a talent at manipulating them, but having his mind twirling in worry because of one girl made him sick to his stomach, sick of himself. He felt weak, defeated. Now he knew he should have stopped after a few glasses.

He tried to rationalize himself. After all, it was impossible she was still there: the night was already midways through, and it had been hours ago they last talked. He couldn't understand himself on why he was so adamant of going back there, but he somehow wasn't able to stop his own feet from walking. Perhaps he really was concerned about her. And to think his own mind was forming those thoughts... Good thing he'd forget all of it by tomorrow, he smirked to no one but himself.

A suffocating noise suddenly reached to his ears, as if someone's cries were being choked away. Niles stopped dead in his tracks, unable to move as if analyzing the sound, and couldn't help but question the source of these complaints: was someone still around? It was so late, after all. What would anyone have to do in the dining hall at such a time?

His curiosity took over his desire to not give a fuck and walk away, as his dizzy mind tried its best at investigating the source of the sound, which only got louder and louder the nearer he got to the kitchen. His suspicions became clearer, and yet the vision as he opened the door was nothing less of a surprise.

The small candle he was holding was lighting up a dark shape at the back of the room, curled up against the wall, trembling uncontrollably as cries of pain resounded from it. The hair, the dress, the voice... No questions now, it had to be her.

He couldn't see her face hidden away by the darkness, but the distinguished shape of a bottle of wine on the floor at her feet was a truthfully shaking sight. He didn't know much about her story and all, as she had always been very quiet on the subject, but even he was able to see that something was wrong. And he always thought he was the most fucked up of the pair.

She was probably startled by his arrival, or maybe by the sudden ray of light that surrounded her being, as she soon enough rose up her head, letting Niles have a look at the mess that was her eyes, reddened away by the tears. She was still shivering, and her lips quivered as she noticed his presence. "Don't..." she mumbled, her voice shuddering, "Don't look at me." She brought her hand up towards him, before promptly tumbling back down on the floor in a thud.

He couldn't think of a single thing to say. His own mind felt tangled in itself, as if he was unable to proceed what was happening before him. He tried to think, but nothing seemed to make sense.

The young maid brought up her head once more, even though the rest of her body remained sprawled out on the tiling. He noticed as her eyes suddenly gleamed softly, and she opened her mouth once more. "N-Niles?" What was supposed to be a question was pierced by hesitation, and she blinked a few times to get accustomed to the light. "Niles, is that you?"  
"Pretty sure that's me, yeah." Even in serious times, he cursed himself for not being able to remain serious.

She flashed a smile that he had no memory of ever seeing before: he knew it was the alcohol in her veins making her do these sort of things, but damn if it did not look pretty as hell on her.

It disappeared immediatly after however, as she pushed her upper body upwards back against the wall, and managed this time to get up, carefully avoiding the bottle of wine that seemed pretty close to empty. She took a few wobbly steps forward towards him, her arms on the side as if she tried to main her balance throughout each of them. Niles' first intuition was to lay down the candle on the floor as to be ready to help her up at the first wrong step she'd take, but he was more than surprised when she threw himself against him, her body trembling softly.

"Help me..." she mumbled.  
He was taken aback, letting the affirmation sink in for a while before answering. "What is it?" He wasn't even sure she was in the mental state to answer coherently, but dare he say he was bewildered as she brought up her gaze towards his face.  
"The pain..." her words were slow, almost as if an entire thought process was going on in her mind before each of them. "It's swallowing me up. I want it to stop." She clung even closer to him. "I want to feel something."  
"Wh-"

His words were smothered by hungry, warm lips landing on his, which left him somewhat dazed for a split-second. Although once he realized this wasn't his mind playing tricks, he was quick to reciprocate with the same fervor, bringing her face even closer as his hands were pressed against her cheeks. Her arms landed clumsily around his waist, only closing even more space between their bodies.

He was enchanted by the euphoria of her embrace, but a sudden spark of lucidity invaded his brain, making him brutally pull away from the kiss.  
"Are you sure this is what you want?" he whispered softly, refraining himself from kissing her once more. He was drunk as well, after all: rationality was far from being dominant in his brain.  
"Please." her voice formed a plead. "I just want to forget."

Another gaze at her only added to her case, and her intentions were very obvious. Despite not being in a condition for thoughts, Niles nodded to himself. He was no stranger to using sex as a mean of escape, of forgetting his worries. It was one of the many ways to run away from the past, even if it was too short a time to his liking. And if this was her wish, despite the fact that they were both in no way able to make a rational decision, he'd happily oblige.

He took her hand in his, and she closely followed.

☀☀☀☀☀

She leisurely opened up her eyes, the slim rays of sunshine crossing through the gaps of the curtains ultimately forcing her to lift up her eyelids. She groaned, inhaling a long breath as her head felt like it was hammered by a troop of wild horses. Her whole body seemed so heavy, unable to move, and the intensity of her heartache was almost on the verge of making her throw up. Forcing herself to breathe slowly, she was able to push all of her remaining strength in her arms, thus thrusting her upper body upwards. She blinked a few times to get accustomed to the lighting, until she suddenly froze, her feet now just hovering over the ground.

This was not her bed. This was not her room at all.

Feeling her mind starting to douse in panic, she gazed around at the place, barely lighted by the few sunrays penetrating the curtains. It was slightly bigger than the one she usually occupied, and yet it was still as lowly decorated. Except for a few drawers and a desk, there was absolutely nothing at all filling the room. Where the hell was this?

She lowered her head, trying to make the more sense of the events that would've led her anywhere else from her own room. Did she do anything else after washing the dishes? Had she even left the kitchen at all? She was unable to recall any of the events following those. Her heart was now only beating faster and faster, and none of her attempts at rationalizing her thoughts did any effect on calming it.

Through the deafening noise of her own heartbeat, she heard the sound of someone's breathing. She thought it was her own, but the sudden silence she imposed herself as to lower the noise of her breath taught her the contrary. The girl closed her eyes for a brief second, muttering to herself before turning around, trying to make sense of the other presence in the room with her.

She almost had a heart attack. What the hell was Niles doing here?

It was obvious he was still sleeping, as his face would probably never be as relaxed as it was right now. So peaceful, mindful of worries, two qualities she never would've deemed him of otherwise. And as much as she would've loved to gaze at him even longer, another revelation came up to her mind. As shown by his shoulders and back uncovered by the sheets, he had no clothes on.

And so did she.

She suddenly felt the panic rushing in her brain, her own breathing becoming more rapid and shallow than it already was. She heard the blood pounding in her ears, her heart thudding in her chest. Her whole body felt cold, or hot, she didn't really know the frightening sensation of terror consisted of what exactly. And as her vision seemed to get blurry, she put up her hands on her mouth to avoid making any noise, and tried to step down from the bed, only to end up curled up on the floor, her back pressed against the mattress.

She did not understand. She couldn't understand. None of this made sense, she thought to herself while fighting the tears threatening to spill on her cheeks. She wasn't even able to try to make sense of the past events anymore: the only thing her brain did was unnerving her more and more, as she grew distressed by the minute, unable to think forward up to a few words. The room began spinning around her, making her feel even sicker than she already was.

It felt surreal. At any moment now, she was secretly wishing to wake up back in her room, all alone and feeling fine, and yet as the seconds were flowing the possibilities of such a scenario were decreasing as well. How could she have allowed herself to do such a thing? Her, the girl who could barely keep a conversation with someone, going so far past her own boundaries to sleep with the only person who she ever considered a friend? How much had she ruined by doing things she couldn't remember? In fact, she couldn't even recall if there was a culprit in the story: in the absence of information, the only thing she could do was blame herself for being so careless.

She had a brief flash. The kitchen, the dishes. The wine, and the long unnerved gaze she glued to it while considering its effects. Forgetting her past, disappearing from her own former life... This was the promise she went so close to making with herself. Had she finally given in to its appeal? Had the alcohol made her do the exact kind of stuff she was avoiding it for? With the bare minimum of facts she could bring up to herself, this was the scenario that made the most sense.

An unexpected pressure on her head suddenly made her flinch, her whole body freezing under the contact. She felt the warmth of a hand, the delicate brushing of fingers in between her hair, and a chuckle quickly followed to reach her ears. Then, the gruff voice she knew so well was soon to speak, although softer than usual.

"Slept well?"

The shortened question, very obviously filled with his signature sarcasm, took a few seconds for her to process through her brain, and even then she was unable to answer. She was petrified, under the mortal shock of having to reply something that was deemed acceptable. Was saying she did not remember a thing adequate? Would that end up ruining the only friendship she ever had in this castle, even though she always saw him as slightly more than just a friend? Was all of this even transposable into words, now that her mouth wouldn't even open to pronounce an apology?

After a few prolonged seconds, the caress in her hair suddenly stopped. "Are you alright?" he asked this time, and once again she couldn't bring herself to reply. Only her left hand moved, wiping away the pearls forming at the corner of her eyes.

"Hey, you didn't fall asleep on the ground, did you?"  
She inhaled a long breath that yet still felt way too short. "No, I'm fine," she mumbled, and she was almost sure he didn't hear it.  
"Hold on darling, you don't _sound_ like it."

After a few noises of movement between the sheets behind her, she heard the sound of footsteps against the cold floor, repeated until she could gaze at his figure, nonchalantly sitting in front of her with his back pressed on the wall behind him, his head partly covering the window. After a split second of reflection, a misplaced gaze caused her entire face to flush red as she covered her eyes with her hands, turning her head away.

"Oh god," she mumbled to herself. "Could you _please_ put some clothes on?"  
His laughter somehow still echoed back to her ears. "If that's your view on the subject, I suggest you do the same."

Her whole body suddenly stiffened, throwing a rapid gaze at her naked self before letting out a shriek, her hands swiftly grabbing at the first thing over her head, thus bringing down the whole pile of sheets before her as a temporary mean of hiding away. Only her head remained unhidden, although she could barely sustain to share eye contact with him. She only heard push himself upwards, a few distant noises of wrinkled clothes being tossed around before he came back, this time properly dressed, although clearly with the first thing he had gotten on his hands.

Sitting back down, it suddenly opened the door to a heavy wave of silence pressing on them, with both unable to pronounce a word under such an ambiance. To be fair, what was there to say? Was there even anything to be said at all? She felt as if the whole world has its eyes on her, and yet her scrambled mind wasn't even capable to get even a single thought in a proper line. Even when time itself appeared entirely stopped, everything seemed too fast for her to catch up.

A sigh coming from Niles suddenly put a stop to her train of thoughts. "How are you doing?"  
She opened her mouth, but her only answer was an attempt that came out in a whisper of indescribable words put together. "Fine." she finally managed to mumble, unable to expand on the matter. He'd ask questions if she said the contrary, right? It was already awkward enough as it is.

Waiting another few seconds that seemed endless, a groan belatedly escaped from his lips, and she for once dared to peek upwards at his face, "Look," his words came out in a mutter, "I barely remember shit from what happened yesterday but..." he exhaled sharply. "I'm sorry alright?"

For once, what she felt seemed like a sudden wave of relief, although quick to wash away it was enough to make her feel a little bit better. For starters, he seemed as clueless as she was, even if he was an awful lot better at making it seem like it didn't matter. She rose her head a little bit higher, tilting it softly so she could rest it against the smooth fabric of the sheets.

"I mean, I-I," she stuttered on her own words. "I don't remember either."  
The sound of a muffled chuckle resounded from him. "Hell, we make a great pair, don't we?"

As she felt her cheeks getting hotter once more, she watched as he pushed his head back towards the wall, pressing a hand on his forehead as he squeezed his eyes shut, wincing at what was probably a headache. The morning seemed to be as excruciating for her as it was for him; maybe she wasn't the only one to indulge in alcohol? They never really talked about the past, but from the small bits she'd heard from others, Niles' life sure hadn't been the easiest. Did he have things he wanted to forget as well? From the small question marks suddenly forming in her brain, she swiftly pushed them away, deeming that it wasn't the time for this type of conversation. Who knew how much could have been said under such circumstances...

"Are you mad?" she eventually managed to ask after another long surge of unpleasant silence, to which she watched him as he brought back his gaze on her, frowning in confusion.  
"Mad?" he questioned, seemingly surprising himself. "Heck, why would I be?"  
"It's- it's my fault..." she mumbled, feeling the rush of tears hastily coming back to her eyes. "The wine, I-I... I don't know how I could have done such a thing. I just wanted to forget for a while...".

Now that she was thinking about it, the memories were slowly foaming at the back of her mind. Just great...

The smile that subsequently formed on Niles' lips wasn't like anything she'd ever seen: it almost seemed sad, full of regrets. "Well, you're not the first..." he chuckled, and the empty gaze he shot her made it seem like he was talking to himself. "We all have thorns we want to get rid of. Whatever things of the past still hold you back, no matter what you do it's always gonna be there. Eventually, it just becomes a part of you." he paused briefly. "But if you worry that I'm mad at you, I'm obviously not. Hell, I'm the one who should be asking you that."

She sank her head deeper into the pile of sheets, hiding half of her face away. Was she mad? Of course she wasn't mad. Distraught, confused, drowned in three thousand types of panic maybe, but being mad at him for something she couldn't even remember wasn't something she was able to feel. She had feelings for him: even if his friendship in itself was truly a miraculous gift, time eventually led her to the conclusion that it was more than that. She had spent many hours of sleepless nights thinking, curled onto her bed as thoughts invaded her brain incessantly. Was he even considering her a friend at all? Did he actually care? How would he react if she told him what she felt? She was a mess, after all, unable to maintain a durable conversation for more than a minute and coming apart mentally any time that her past resurfaced in her head. She doubted anyone would ever see any interest in her person, and gave up trying to pursue anything about her future, leading her to an even more unhappy existence.

And yet, the fact that he was currently showing her more care and attention than anything she could ever remember receiving was shaking her up. Maybe the alcohol still had a belated effect on her? Who knew, it's not like she was going to try it again any time soon.

"I'm not mad." she declared, and she swore she saw him smile once again. "I'm just... I don't know what I'm feeling..."  
After a few seconds, he nodded softly. "Look," he mentioned, "I know how confusing this may be for you, and if you don't want us to talk again after that-"  
"No!"

She surprised herself at the intensity of her own reply, and it seemed like it startled him as well, as shown by his face which seemed slightly taken aback. She hurried to complete her answer to avoid making a fool of herself. "I mean no, that's not what I want..."  
"I'm glad to hear it then." she didn't know if the hungover or merely the fact that it was still morning were the factors that made him so soft and genuine compared to the usually so snarky and mischevious Niles she was used to talking to, but the change in comportment wasn't actually that bad. Maybe he was just being sympathetic for the sake of the situation too, in truth she was unable to tell.

She spent the following silent seconds with her gaze locked within his, and somehow unable to move away. Just by seeing the lack of words being said, she knew it'd probably never be the same between them. She had no way of knowing what he was thinking, but she was aware she'd probably end up even more awkward than ever after all this (and to think it'd ever get worse was one hell of a surprise). Were they going to act like nothing ever happened? Despite the consternation of this whole event, there was still a small part of herself that wished the contrary.

She realized for how long she'd been staring when he suddenly snapped his fingers right in front of her eyes, cutting her away from her train of thoughts as he asked once again if she was feeling alright. Mumbling an apology, she swiftly turned her head away, as her hands held tighter on the sheets covering her. "I-I'm gonna go..." she immediatly added, trying her best at avoiding his gaze while she stood up, her eyes rapidly traveling the room in search of her clothes. Inadvertently dragging what seemed like the whole bed thanks to the sheets she was holding, she managed to sit behind the other corner of the mattress where she was pretty sure she was hidden, dressing up the fastest she could while avoiding most of the invading thoughts that were now hurting her brain. She was fast up on her feet again once this was done, and throwing one last silent apologetic gaze at Niles, finally turned on her heels and rushed towards the door, leaving after what seemed like an eternity.

☀☀☀☀☀

The following week was insufferable, to say the least. Even as she did her best at tagging along with her ordinary routine, it was proven to be a lot harder than she expected.

She was given a lot of trouble for leaving the kitchen unattended that night without cleaning everything up but ultimately managed to pass the waste of an apparently very expensive bottle of wine on someone else, claiming she had no idea who was the culprit. Despite still being obviously in the recovery process of the previous night's events, the people around her were so used to her soft-spoken and overly shy facade that her lies needed a minimal amount of effort to maintain. She got out of the situation with a mere slap on the wrist and a few mean glances that lasted well enough throughout the following days, which was the usual anyway.

Everything went back to normal after that, as she took on her cleaning duties like nothing ever happened. And even though the days flowed on as time dictated, to her simple hours felt like days in which she was trapped with her own thoughts. Not that it was abnormal: in fact, most of her life in the castle was spent like this. The only difference this time around being that she had to worry about a wholly different situation entirely.

As she proceeded with each of her tasks, she always had to think one step forward as a way to avoid him. It felt pathetic, in truth. Even when she thought about it rationally, repeating to herself that he told her he wasn't mad, that they could brush over the whole situation if needed, nothing seemed to work. When she stopped herself for a full minute, thinking, asking herself why she was so adamant on avoiding him, she couldn't land a finger on a definitive answer. Perhaps she was scared or simply hadn't come to terms with her array of unknown feelings towards this whole thing. She'd never been close with anyone, and certainly not _that_ close. Having everything pushed up in her face in such a short delay was expected to be frightening.

She thought she needed time, but how much exactly she couldn't answer.

Curiously enough, she didn't hear much about Niles either. Apart from seeing him once in the dining hall one day (as she hid behind pretty much everything she could find not to get spotted), she got barely any pieces of information at all. Being herself, the possibilities fused. Maybe he was actually mad, or just didn't care about the situation at all: he was so outgoing and had a tendency to flirt around, after all:: maybe this was a common scenario for him. The thought made her shiver, and she tried brushing it off but to no avail. In loneliness, with no one to talk to, the only thing she could do was getting lost within her own head and fears.

The subsequent week quickly followed, and nothing really changed. The nightmares started coming around once again, proving a point to herself that getting drunk to end up close and personal with the only person she felt something towards was not the way to deal with the problem: if anything, it probably just accentuated the whole issue in the first place.

Then came an afternoon. She wasn't quite sure how much time it had been since then, she realized that she'd stopped counting a while ago. She was tasked with preparing the guest rooms, as for some unknown reason the royal family was expecting visitors in the shortest delay. As she was deep in thought, slowly replacing the clean sheets over the gigantic bed, the ponderous sound of footsteps echoed from the hallway even with the door closed.

They suddenly stopped. "She's in there." a female voice she couldn't put a name on resounded through the door. "Look, I don't know what you want with her, but she's probably not the kind of person you're looking for. Maybe I-"  
"That'll be all, thanks." this voice though, she recognized it in an instant. The few seconds of realization were enough to make her whole body freeze, unable to think forward. She wasn't prepared for this. In truth, she wasn't even sure if they'd ever talk again, although she told him that her wish was to avoid them to be separated. How was she going to explain anything after that?

As expected, Niles soon enough stepped into the room before making sure to properly close the door behind him. Putting a halt at every action she was thinking of doing before that, she simply turned around, although her gaze was unable to look up from the floor.

"Hey," he spoke up first, a small smile drawing itself at the corner of his lips as he waved his hand in her direction. "Been a while."  
"Yeah." was the only thing to exit her mouth, in a very low mumble that wouldn't have been heard by anyone not paying enough attention.

This situation was beginning to be too similar to what she already experienced. Would this be any different than it was a week ago? She was still unable to put two words together, and forming a coherent sentence seemed entirely out of her reach.

"Look, I-" he paused briefly, and in his eyes dimly glinted an emotion she never would've expected out of him. Was it worry? Doubt? She'd never been good at deciphering other's feelings through their gesture, although this time she was quite convinced of her accuracy. Maybe all the time spent with him beforehand had actually changed something within her. "I was thinking we could have a chat." he finished on.  
"Yeah." she nodded again, unable to add anything. It's not like she could say she was purposefully avoiding him after all.

Before she was able to sink in her own destructive thoughts once more, Niles was quick to follow up with his dedicated subject.

"I've actually begun to remember bits and pieces about that night." he started and stopped dead in his tracks as he probably noticed the body of the young girl freezing completely at the mention. Despite what happened, her wish is that the events leading up to it would remain forgotten so she could avoid herself the embarrassment. Too bad this didn't seem like it'd be the case.

"Yeah I know." he snorted, his signature smirk shimmering briefly at the corner of his lips. "Touchy subject."  
She stumbled within her own words. "I-It's not that, I-"  
"Don't worry princess, I'm not going to push it further than it should be."

She was way too overwhelmed by the situation to reprehend him on his poor choice of naming convention, as she did so many times before. In fact, probably noticing that she chose to remain silent, he nodded, trying to keep the conversation going. "In fact, I've mostly remembered things you've said. About your past and all, and how much it was hurting inside.

Although she was somewhat relieved he wasn't there to talk about the details of the actual act, she still remained dazed by his affirmation. She hadn't realized she'd gone that far with her own words as much as to reveal one of the things she'd put so much work and effort at keeping it inside her own heart. She always tried to seem as bland as possible to avoid bringing unnecessary attention, but she supposed that it was different with Niles. In fact, this was bothering her a lot less than what she'd expected.

Still, she was hesitant. "Please forget about all that," she begged, and for the first time, she was able to bring up her chin and look at him in the eyes. "It's nothing you should worry yourself about."  
"Listen," he added before she could plead her case forward. "I've been down the same path. I don't know what you've been through, but I know how it feels. The pain, the guilt. Believe me, I did everything I could to forget it."  
"Really?" she always knew that there was something more to his story, but hearing it come directly from him was wholly different. "You've never told me about that."  
Niles scoffed mockingly. "Yeah. It's not really something I try to bring up for fun, you know." he paused, seemingly unsure of himself. She couldn't remember ever seeing him that way. "But hey, the truth is, you shouldn't dwell on what's already over. It may sound dumb and hollow, but living in the present is probably the best way to avoid thinking about the past."

He was right: said like that, it didn't really mean much. And yet it still made a lot of sense: not like she never tried to ignore the memories that haunted her mind, but the fact that she was always sulking alone with no one to talk to never really allowed her to enjoy the present. Truthfully, he was making a point that resonated within her a lot more than she would've expected.

"Anyway," he continued. "If you need help or anything... I'll always have your back."

She gazed at him for far too long, too confused at first to answer. Was this the 'Niles way' of being kind? He was usually either cold or way too friendly, alas genuine compassion wasn't something she could remember seeing often from him. After a while, and probably a whole minute seeing as he was looking at her in waiting of an answer, she brushed over the thought and nodded mindlessly.

"Yeah." she smiled softly as well, but she knew it was also honest. "Thank you, Niles."

They both stopped moving for a while, waiting for the other to add something to the already dead conversation. Even if it was usual for her, for Niles to stay quiet meant it was a lot more serious than he could usually handle. There was nothing to be said now, at least he thought so.

"Well, you seem pretty busy." he declared, nodding to himself as his natural expression came back onto his face. "I'm going to take my leave. Take care."

With a simple nod of agreement, she watched him as he turned around, took a few steps forward towards the exit. She continued to watch, no word ever coming out of her mouth, up until his hand grabbed the doorknob. And then something clicked in her mind. She couldn't give up now. Would she ever have the courage to tell him after this moment? If he left that room, would they ever talk honestly again?

"Wait!" she exclaimed, and he stopped dead in his tracks, spinning his head towards her. His perplexed eyes said a lot. "There's uh..." her hand was fidgeting with a strand of hair, her gaze glued on the ground. "Something else I wanted to talk about."  
"Sure," he nodded, closing back the door that he had started to open. "I'm all ears."

She inhaled a long breath. This was a bad idea, but there was no way he was letting her back down now. It was too late to opt out: if she was going to say something, she had to do it now. "Do you think there's still hope for someone like me to love?" her voice was low, somewhat hesitant in the choice of words.

He looked at her for a few seconds, a bit confused. He knew that she had lived an arduous life, that something in the past was weighing her down, but he didn't have access to the details. He figured those would come with time, but in truth, he didn't need to know the whole thing to understand how she felt. He'd been through the same type of self-deprecating feelings, of hate, anger, and sadness. Hell, he still did for that matter. But at least, he could tell her the right thing.

"Well, pretty sure there is. I'm no expert on the subject, but something I've learned is that your past shouldn't define who you are now." he paused, observing her eyes glinting lightly under the candlelight. "Why would you ask that?"

Her mind froze, completely blank. How was she supposed to explain herself now? It's not like he was going to let her get around it so simply. "N-nothing important." she managed to affirm, shaking her head frenetically. "Rhetorical question. Sorry."  
But of course, nothing was as simple. He smirked widely. "Something else on your mind princess?" his gaze was almost talking by itself. "You know I'm not letting this go, right?"

Oh, gods, she knew that too well. Niles was known for being stubborn, especially with her. In fact, they probably never would've been friends if he wasn't, since never in a million years would she persist at keeping alive a conversation in which she didn't know what to add. Not only stubborn, but he must also have been really patient as well to wait that long for her to open up to him. "Look, it's nothing, alright?" she broke out of her daze, shaking her head firmly.  
"Are you really expecting me to believe that?" his smile was enough for her to know that she wasn't getting out of this one.

Of course not. She knew a lot better than to expect something so lightly. She sighed to herself, somewhat regretting ever taking this step forward by asking him such an open-ended question. "Are you really going to make me say it?" she mumbled, exhaling sharply as she sustained eye contact. "I.... like you, alright?"  
Waiting for a few seemingly endless seconds that she thought were never going to end, a light scoff finally reached her ears, much to her delight. "Took you long enough, princess." he chuckled, and she was close to being breathless. Was he really toying with her the whole time? For how long was he making fun of her like this? 

"To be fair," he continued, putting a halt to her stream of endless thoughts, "I realized after that night. I've always had suspicions, but even with half of my memories I figured you never would have gotten this close with someone else." 

That's it, she wanted to crawl into a hole now. She was pretty sure her face was colored of shades even darker than blood, and that if the occasion presented itself, she would probably bolt out of there never to be seen again. This was beyond embarrassing. Her eyes had been locked with the ground for the last minute, and yet, the sudden absence of words from Niles troubled her. That is until a flock of footsteps reached her ears, and soon enough the warm touch of a hand brought up her face higher, her gaze now locking with the white-haired retainer who was a lot closer to her than she'd expected. 

"But I've come to terms with it as well," he mentioned, and while the shade of his smirk floated over his lips, his expression remained genuine. "I wrestled it for long, thinking that someone like me, whose past was clouded with violence and death, was bound to stay away from emotions and the like. And yet, I could never get your pretty eyes out of my mind." For a few seconds, she could swear she noticed the shadow of a blush on his cheeks. "How corny does that sound?"  
"I- huh-" there was too much going on, her brain was barely able to process such information. Did he really love her back? Her, the clumsy maid who never had anything to say? Her, the young girl with a past darker than the night? And of all the people around the castle and the world, she was the one he would choose? This seemed barely believable.

"I really love you, princess." he nodded, and this time a smile crept up upon his face, but it was quick to disappear to leave its place to a somber tone. "And I know you feel the same, but you have to know, I'm not a good person. I've killed and done so much in the past, which I'm pretty sure is going to come back to me someday."  
She tried to interject but to no avail. "Niles, I-"  
"You have to know this." he affirmed, with a serious she really wasn't used to. "Even without the details, it's not pretty. And while I don't know what your past is filled with, I don't want to break you even further with mine."

She'd never thought of it that way, and yet she didn't really have to think for long: this new exhilarating feeling of knowing he also felt strongly towards her was enough for her to feel comfort and relief. Maybe it would be short-lived, as her nightmares were always creeping around the corner, but for now, she felt happy. For once, she truly had a grasp over her emotions. "I-I know," she mumbled, barely even able to shy away from the small smile on her lips. "I'm aware of it."  
"Are you sure this is what you want?" he asked.

She had a brief flashback. Her throbbing headache. Her legs almost falling under her own weight. Her lips melting against his until he suddenly jerked his head back, his cheeks tinted in red as he asked those same words. The blurry memory ended, but she could feel her face become a blushing mess.

Quickly, she brushed away the intrusive thought to formulate an answer. "Yes." she nodded, yet for once in what felt like forever she was confident. Although still shy, this was a lot less awkward than it was a few minutes ago. " But I want to start over. From the beginning. you know, as normal people do."  
Letting out a sigh of relief, Niles nodded with a chuckle. "Understandable." he scoffed, pretty quick to understand the hidden message behind it all. "I'll never talk about that night again, promised."  
For once, she was the one to laugh, and although it was hushed and almost silent, it was genuine. "Fine by me." she declared.

She smiled to herself this time. It was done now. She had opened her heart, much to her avail as now, an enormous burden had left her heart, weighed by the past weeks' events and beyond. Sure, she was free, and yet a shadow still overlooked the horizon.

Of course, the future was not going to be easy. They still held on to demons inside their hearts, scars of the past that never seemed to heal. The darkness would often surround them, alongside a burdensome pain. Although this time, it would be different. Holding each other's arms throughout these hardships, one would always be there for the other when trouble would arise. She knew that and held faith that in due times, everything was truly going to be alright. 

"I love you Niles"  
"Yeah, me too princess."

 


End file.
